Adult Female Monologue 

Caboose

Not long ago , I was babysitting my little brother. And I was, I had taken all these percocet. And I was unbelievably high and I, we had driven over to the park on Lakeshore. And he was in his red socks just running around in these piles of leaves. And, um, he would bury me and I would bury him in the leaves. And he was pretending that he was a train. And so he was charging through the leaves, making tracks, and I was the caboose, and I was, so he kept saying, coal, caboose! Coal, caboose! And we were, it was time to go and I was driving home and I lost control of the car and drove off the bridge. And the car went into the lake. And I couldn’t get him out of his car seat. And he drowned. And I struggle with God so much, because I can’t forgive myself. And I don’t really want to right now. I can live with it, but I can’t forgive myself. And sometimes I don’t want to believe in a God that could forgive me. But I do want to be sober. I’m alive and I’m present and there’s nothing controlling me. If I hurt someone, I hurt someone. I can apologize and they can forgive me or not. But I can change. And I just wanted to share that and say congratulations that God makes you look up, I’m so happy for you, but if he doesn’t, come here. That’s all. Thank you.

Erin Brokovich – Erin Brokovich

Oh, see, now that pisses me off. First of all since the demur, we now have more than four hundred plaintiffs and let’s be honest, we all know there’s more out there. Now, they may not be the most sophisticated people, but they do know how to divide, and twenty million dollars isn’t shit when it’s split between them. And second of all, these people don’t dream about being rich. They dream about being able to watch their kids swim in a pool without worrying they’ll have to have a hysterectomy at age 20, like Rosa Diaz, a client of ours, or have their spine deteriorate like Stan Bloom, another client of ours.

“So before you come back here with another lame ass offer, I want you to think real hard about what your spine is worth, Mr. Buda, or what you’d expect someone to pay you for your uterus, Ms. Sanchez, then you take out your calculator and multiply that number by a hundred. Anything less than that is a waste of our time.

Gone Girl – Amy Dunne:

“Cool girl. Men always use that, don’t they? As their defining compliment. She’s a cool girl. Cool girl is hot. Cool girl is game. Cool girl is fun. Cool girl never gets angry at her man. She only smiles in a chagrin loving manner and then presents her mouth for fucking. She like what he likes. So, evidently, he’s a vinyl hipster who loves fetish monger. If he likes girls gone wild, she’s a mall babe who talks football and endures buffalo wings at Hooters.

“When I met Nick Dunne, I knew he wanted a cool girl and for him, I’ll admit, I was willing to try. I wax stripped my pussy raw. I drank canned beer watching Adam Sandler movies. I ate cold pizza and remained a size 2. I blew him… semi regularly. I lived in the moment. I was fucking game. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy some of it… Nick teased out in my things I didn’t know existed. A lightness, a humour, an ease.

“But I made him smarter, sharper, I inspired him to rise to my level. I forged the man of my dreams. We were happy pretending to be other people. We were the happiest people we knew. And what’s the point of being together if you’re not the happiest. But Nick got lazy. He became someone I did not agree to marry. He actually expected me to love him unconditionally then he dragged me, penniless, to the naval of this great country and found himself a newer, younger, bouncier cool girl.

You think I’d let him destroy me and end up happier than ever? No fucking way. He doesn’t get to win. My cute, charming, salt of the earth misery guy. He needed to learn. Grown ups work for things. Grown ups pay. Grown ups suffer consequences.”

 The Devil Wears Prada – Mirana Priestly

This ‘stuff’? Oh, ok. I see, you think this has nothing to do with you. You go to your closet and you select out, oh I don’t know, that lumpy blue sweater, for instance, because you’re trying to tell the world that you take yourself too seriously to care about what you put on your back. But what you don’t know is that that sweater is not just blue, it’s not turquoise, it’s not lapis, it’s actually cerulean.

“You’re also blindly unaware of the fact that in 2002, Oscar de la Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns. And then I think it was Yves St Laurent, wasn’t it, who showed cerulean military jackets? And then cerulean quickly showed up in the collections of eight different designers. Then it filtered down through the department stores and then trickled on down into some tragic ‘casual corner’ where you, no doubt, fished it out of some clearance bin.

“However, that blue represents millions of dollars and countless jobs and so it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you’re wearing the sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room. From a pile of ‘stuff’.

Legally Blonde – Elle Woods 

On our very first day at Harvard, a very wise Professor quoted Aristotle: ‘The law is reason free from passion.’ Well, no offence to Aristotle, but in my three years at Harvard I have come to find that passion is a key ingredient to the study and practice of law – and of life. It is with passion, courage of conviction, and strong sense of self that we take our next steps into the world, remembering that first impressions are not always correct. You must always have faith in people. And most importantly, you must always have faith in yourself.

Hannibal – Freddie

I’m a journalist. I want to tell the truth. Your truth. Sometimes that involves some deception. But know this, I will never lie to you. You have every right not to trust me, but in time, Abigail, I hope you let me prove that you can. If you tell me what you know, I can help you fill in the blanks. Your dad was the Minnesota Shrike. Your mother wasn’t the first person your father killed. He killed 8 girls. 8 girls that look just like you. The Shrike is a bird that impales its prey, harvests its organs to eat later. He was sick. You’ll be fighting the perception that you’re sick too. Perception is the most important thing in your life right now. What you remember, what you tell everyone, is going to define the rest of your life. Let me help you. Help you carve a path in this world so you can survive what your father did. And not be held accountable.

Orange is the New Black – Piper

Dina. That’s a pretty name. You know I could tell you a lot of things that would scare you Dina. I could tell you that I’m gonna make you my prison bitch. I could tell you that I’m gonna make you my house mouse. That I will have sex with you even if we don’t have an emotional connection. That I’m gonna do to you what Spring does to the cherry trees but in a prison way. Pop them and root them. But why bother? You’re too tough right? Yeah I know how easy it is to convince yourself you’re something that you’re not. I could do that on the outside, you just keep moving. Keep yourself so busy you don’t have to face who you really are. But, you’re weak. I’m like you Dina. I’m weak too. I can’t get through this without somebody to touch, without somebody to love. Is that because sex numbs the pain? Or is it because I’m some evil fuck monster? I don’t know. But I do know I was somebody before I came in here. I was somebody with a life that I chose for myself. And now? Now it’s just about getting through the day without crying. And I’m scared. I’m still scared. I’m scared that I’m not myself in here, and I’m scared that I am. Other people aren’t the scariest part of prison Dina. It’s about coming face to face with who you really are. Because once you’re behind these walls there’s nowhere to run even if you could run. The truth catches up with you in here Dina. And it’s the truth that’s gonna make you her bitch.

Girls – Jessa

How awkward is it watching everyone try and get it up for each other? This guy’s crying because a fro-yo opened up on his block. He’s trying to think of the saddest thing he can think of… and it’s not that sad. What do you want? Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? How about how my dad has been in rehab 12 times, about how I don’t even have his number? Or about how my mother, how she can’t even go to the bathroom on her own? Or how alone I feel and without a life vest? Is that what you guys want? Because I can do it? I’m really good at it. But it’s exhausting… and boring. And by the way, I figured my shit out already when I was five years old, okay? Heroin is really fun, but it can also kill you. Okay, and Melvin over here– sorry, Kelvin over here is a dark horse, and not in a good way my friend, and also named after a temperature measurement that no one uses, and I’m European. Okay, and let’s talk about Mindy, meth-face over here. Mindy enjoys wearing scrunchies. No one has addressed that. Maybe you haven’t seen her wear one before, but she wants to wear them, though. How come no one has talked about this guy and how he insists on being called “Phred” with a “ph”? I’m sorry, shh. You know, I think I’m doing pretty good. I haven’t done drugs, I’ve made some friends… some really ugly friends and I don’t even mind. You know, I’m only here because it’s what my grandmother would pay for. I do sixty days and she gets me a plane ticket, and rent, and these boots that I want, they’re called Uggs. They’re from Australia. Anyways, back to my feelings. I feel like Laura is using being molested as an excuse. I’m really sorry that your uncle abused you, but at the end of the day, we’ve all been through a lot, we can’t go around blaming other people for our crap behavior. I just feel like you’re being a bit whiny. Okay, now you’re all looking at me like I’ve said something horrible. First, you all want me to express my feelings, then I do, and now I shouldn’t have even bothered. Let me try again. I feel like Laura might be gay. Hear me out Laura. You hated being with your boyfriend even though he played hockey. And your vest… Okay, I apologize. I don’t want any of you to be mad at me. I would hate if you hated me. And Laura, I’m sorry for your uncle abusing you. And I’m also sorry that you’ve all been through a lot and I understand. I had a weird uncle. He was gay, but he also said a lot of awful things to me. I was he first person he told that he had AIDS and I was five. I actually knew what AIDS were and I don’t know how. But the point is, I also feel like a victim. Often, so. This is so cool. Like, I bet the minute you accept that you’re just a bunch of lesbians and a little needy, you won’t ever want to do drugs again. They were just a placeholders for girls and attention. I feel better already.

And I just helped you all out, it was basically charity. I’m not looking for any sort of meaning in the things that I do. Do you know, you can’t make things that mean nothing mean something. Am I sociopath? Am I method actor researching a role? Well, congratulations to me. I got myself kicked out of rehab. Are we done?

How To Get Away With Murder – Ophelia 

I bought that house off Peach street when I was pregnant with you. I was so proud of that house. It wasn’t much, but it was mine. Built a porch swing and tended a little garden that was just right out front. I’d bake up a storm on that old stove, you know, the ones that you had to light with a long match? And one winter, Uncle Clyde came by and said he needed a place to stay. Just ‘til he got on his feet, he said. Can’t turn your back on your family. And then, one day, I woke up in the middle of the night. Don’t know what it was, I just woke up. I walked down the hall, to look in on you… he came out of your room, and I knew what he had done. He was a big man. Liked his liquor, and his hooch. Smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, he was always stinkin’ up the house with cigarette smoke. All the time, he’d just fall asleep on the couch, lit cigarette hanging out his mouth. And I’d go by, I’d put it out. And one night, not too long after, he fell asleep on the couch, drunk as a skunk, lit cigarette hanging out of his mouth. I got you and your brothers and sisters out of bed, and we went over to aunt Mabel’s to sleep. And that night, that house that I loved so much, burnt to the ground. And your uncle Clyde burnt right with it. Oh, I know how you’ve been torturing yourself about what went on here, baby. And maybe you did something real bad, I don’t know. But I know if you did, you had your reason. Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do. Even if all you’ve got is a long match, and a very flammable hooch.

The Bold Type – Adena

I took this photo in Paris. I didn’t have the heart to develop it for a long time. But when I saw this picture, it clicked. You did inspire me Kat. With your grace, and your fire, and your spirit. And I know that you’ll do the same for everyone else when you’re elected. Only you can decide what’s best for you right now. But the Kat Edison I know, she is all about growth. I mean you were only into boys when I first met you. Look at you now! And since we’ve been apart you have continued to grow. You have kept using your voice to fight for the things that matter to you. And yeah, if you continue with that you may have to lose Scarlett, which is scary. But I know you can handle it. If that’s what you want.